Grace and Peace from Our Lord Jesus Christ. My name is Jacob Onyumbe. I am a seminarian of the Diocese of Tshumbe (Democratic Republic of Congo) who happens to be studying at the Seminary of the Immaculate Conception. I am going to share with you my experience as I approach the finish line of seminary formal formation.
A few days ago, I was speaking with a friend of mine who asked me what I found more exciting about starting my last year at the Seminary. I replied without delay, “The most exciting thing about this whole adventure is that I am greatly troubled by fear.” The reply came, “Yeah, I know, fear of the unknown.” I did not say anything but smiled. This conversation, clear epitome of boredom, sums up my experience of a sprinter close to the finish line. Seventeen years ago, when I first declared that I wanted to become a priest, I had no doubt that it was the best way for me to live. I still do not understand why, but I seem to be deeply convinced about that. And it is sufficient for me. In the beginning, everything seemed easy and rosy. Even though I still have the excitement of those first days, there is a new member within the family of my feelings: fear (for want of a better term). This fear is far from what my friend thought I felt. I do not fear what is coming because it is unknown. Rather, it is as I get more glimpses into the mystery and the duties of Catholic priesthood that I become more immersed in wonder and awe. Maybe my expectations about priesthood are too high. I even forget to check my countdown to the diaconate, because checking it means resuscitating my new friend, “the fear of becoming a priest.” More and more I wonder if I am really fit for this ministry. Many people, friends, family, and even indifferent acquaintances seem to believe that I am fit for the ministry. I boldly question their beliefs.
Interestingly, I have become even more convinced than in my teenage years that it is as a priest that I want not only to live but also to die. I have no desire to overcome the fear of becoming a priest or to reconcile it with my countdown. Rather, I want to cultivate it as a reminder of the fact that I should never take my future life, my future work, my future being lightly. It reminds me of my unworthiness and summons me to rely entirely on God without whom nothing is possible. It is He who will touch my lips in order to make me fit to respond to his call, “Whom shall I send?” (Is. 6:8). I fearfully look forward to the day when I will truly answer God’s call, not only by through ordination, but especially by laying down my life down for the Sheep of Christ.
Jacob Onyumbe
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